Forgiveness

Background

As the Buddha once said, holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. So, if it helps, think of this exercise as a purely selfish one—one that will help you feel better and move on—rather than as something that you are doing for the sake of the person who wronged you.

Objective

The objective is to write—but not send—a letter of forgiveness to someone who has hurt you. It may help you to note that this is one of the more difficult exercises since most of us can't bring ourselves to let go of the anger we feel at someone who's treated us unfairly. And yet, as numerous findings show, holding on to anger and resentment hurts us more than it hurts the others. So it will be worth your while to complete the exercise even if you don't feel up to it.

Please provide an email address to which your entries can be emailed.

Recall the painful event

The first step is to recall the incident that caused you harm or pain, and write about it in the space below.

Note: Don't spend too much time wallowing in the negative emotions that the incident evokes in you. In as matter-of-fact a manner as you can, write down (or type out) details of the events that transpired, how it made you feel, and why. If the event continues to hurt you, mention why and state what you wish the person had done instead.

Letter of forgiveness

After reflecting on what you wrote in the earlier step, elaborate on the factors that may have pressured the person who wronged you to act in the way that he or she did. For example, perhaps the person wronged you because he was facing tremendous financial constraints. Or perhaps he was misinformed by someone else.

Do your best to come up with any and all factors that might have propelled the person to behave in the manner that he or she did. Your objective is to come up with a set of explanations (on behalf of the wrongdoer) to allow you to end your letter with: “I realize now that what you did was the best you could at that time, and I forgive you.”

Important note: Writing a letter of forgiveness can make you feel overwhelmed. If this happens, put aside this exercise for now and revisit it in a few days or weeks. Alternatively, try doing the exercise for an “easier” event—something about which you don't feel quite as strongly.

Closing the event

The final step involves something known as “psychological closure”—a sort of mental marker that symbolizes that the painful event is now closed, at least as far as you are concerned.

Achieving closure will make it easier for you to move on. One way to achieve psychological closure is to print out your letter, seal it in an envelope and then either burn it or drop it in the trash. And as you are doing this, tell yourself, “With this act, I consider this incident closed.”

As tacky as this may sound, findings show that psychological closure helps you move on by stopping you from dwelling on past events.

When you click on 'Complete the exercise' we will e-mail your letter to you.